Insights from Justin Carotti, COO of Causeway Collaborative
November often marks a turning point for parents of high school juniors and seniors or college students: it’s when questions start bubbling up, whether they’re about managing college applications or supporting a young adult face the realities of being out of the house for the first time.
For parents, this sense of urgency is real, and according to Justin Carotti, LCSW, LADC—Causeway Collaborative’s COO with more than a decade of hands-on experience helping families navigate these complexities—it’s a period that requires empathy, communication, and a strategic shift from management to mentorship.
With years as both a counselor and COO in and around Connecticut, through his Causeway work and in his private practice, Justin understands parent struggles. And in Fairfield County—where college-bound culture looms large— he’s seen firsthand the pressures families face.
“Parents see deadlines looming and look upstairs to see their kid seemingly doing nothing, and it’s a gut punch,” Justin acknowledges. Yet he also sees November as an ideal time for parents to recalibrate expectations and open up a healthier dialogue with their children. Here are his six steps for doing it as easily as possible.
1. Naming the November Stressors
Justin knows there’s a key difference in challenges for high school versus college parents this time of year. “For high school parents, especially juniors and seniors, the pressure is immense,” he explains. “Junior parents feel the clock ticking, realizing only about a year and a half is left with their child at home. And for parents of seniors, early November is when that first wave of college applications is due. If their kid is behind, those feelings have been brewing for a while, but now they’re hitting in a big way.”
For college parents, November is less about the clear deadlines of applications and more of a subtle evaluation period. “College parents might sense something’s off but haven’t seen big red flags. They’re in investigative mode, trying to figure out how things are going before holiday breaks kick in,” Justin observes.
2. Empathy First: Recognizing and Addressing Parental Anxiety
Causeway’s therapeutic approach begins with empathy—a core principle Justin emphasizes repeatedly. “Parents often end up trying to manage the college application process to ease their own anxiety rather than leaving it to their kids,” he says. And while he’s quick to validate the very real concerns parents feel, he notes that micromanaging can be damaging, too.
“If we keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, isn’t that what we all know as ‘crazy?’” he says. “Micromanaging ends up creating a wedge between you and your kid. The more you take over, the less he does, the more you chase, the more he’ll pull away.”
Instead, Justin encourages parents to open a new type of conversation with their son. “Sometimes it’s as simple as a parent saying, ‘I’m struggling watching you not take control of this process. If I come across as nagging, please know it’s out of love. Maybe we need a different approach that works better for both of us.’ Just acknowledging this can open up a whole new dialogue.”
3. Shifting the Focus from Control to Collaboration
Fact: Adults and kids can view deadlines differently. Also fact: When two people disagree on an approach, it’s stressful.
“Parents see these big dates coming up, and it’s hard to let go of control,” Justin says. His practical tip for parents? “Consider how powerful it could be to say, ‘Let’s develop a timeline together that works for both of us.’”
Remember, he says: “It’s not just your timeline or your kid’s timeline but something in the middle.”
For high school students, where college application deadlines loom large, parents might need to give their sons more leeway to work within their own schedules. As Justin explains, “In therapyland, we call it ‘rolling with resistance.’ If your kid says, ‘There’s no way I’m doing the application on Friday,’ rather than argue with him, you say: ‘Sounds good. What’s a better day?’”
Is it hard to imagine channeling grace in a hot moment? You bet. “But imagine if you folded that into 10 percent of your dialogues?” he asks. Small collaborative moments have a big impact.
4. Encouraging Realistic Expectations and Patience
Parents may be tempted to expect enthusiasm from their sons about college applications and finals preparation, but Justin points out that this may be unrealistic. “To a 17-year-old, this is just another hoop to jump through,” he says. Helping parents reframe these expectations can relieve some pressure and make the process less combative. “The process can be dull, tedious, and stressful. Once we acknowledge that, we can create a timeline that respects both perspectives.”
In those moments when parents feel compelled to manage every detail, Justin suggests taking a big-picture view.
“In five years, it likely won’t matter whether their son met the November 1 deadline exactly. Life will go on. We want to help them reach a good spot, but it doesn’t have to be perfect.”
5. For High School Parents: Eyes On Who They’re Becoming
As parents gear up for the college application season, Justin reminds parents to focus on their high schooler’s character development, not just their accomplishments.
“I genuinely think—over a 10-year timeline—that who your kid is, is more important than what your kid does,” he says. “For high school parents, especially, it’s crucial to look at who their child is becoming, not just what they’re doing….Character and resilience matter more than which school they get into.”
Justin also suggests parents reflect on their role as supporters rather than managers. “It’s tough for parents who’ve traditionally driven the process to step back,” he says, “But if parents can pull back even a little, they can avoid micromanaging and let their kids take the lead.”
6. For College Parents: Transitioning to a Consultant Role
With college-age sons, “Recognize that your son is exploring adulthood,” suggests Justin. Move from being the manager of his life to earning the right to be consulted. Ask for his input, but let him take the lead.”
This shift may be challenging, especially for those who didn’t grow up with this parenting style, but Justin reassures parents that they don’t need to achieve perfection. “It’s not about creating a perfectly soft, therapeutic dialogue in every interaction. But if parents can reduce resistance and give their sons a chance to step up, it can make all the difference.”
Justin’s Key Takeaways:
- For High School Parents: Of course deadlines around college applications are important, but in the heat of the moment, remember what you’re fighting for. Take a step back to gain perspective as much as possible: We’re aiming to grow high-character individuals, not just see them accepted by the best school.
- For College Parents: Encourage your son to take the lead, while you offer support and guidance as needed. It’s a subtle shift that will make a difference.
For more information about Justin or how Causeway’s mentors and family therapists can help you navigate the upcoming holiday season and school year with your son, please book a discovery call. Causeway is here to help.